I was told today that I should write a
novel. I have absolutely no expectation of doing anything of the
sort, but I do rather miss the thrill of writing, the feeling of a
story flowing out of me and onto the page, sitting in one spot for
hours and then emerging from the screen like a diver coming out of
the sea. My writing is an uncertain and undirected thing, but, no
matter its flaws, it can be so vivid to me that I think it actually
happened. I have, while doing something completely innocuous, had an
image flash through my head which I could not place, and after trying
to remember for some while when it happened, realize that it was
simply something I imagined for a story.
But I cannot write a novel. I am not
humble enough. I would want it to be real and fantastical, beautiful
and painful, true and subtle. And if it fell short (which it
inevitably would), I would give it up in frustration. I do not even
know that I am capable of writing a worthless novel. My
imagination is very useful for scenes and impressions, but I cannot
sustain it for the length of a book. I cannot draw the reader in
and capture him or her, not letting go until the last page. At
least, I do not think I could. We never really know
what we're capable of, do we?
I am
much more comfortable with nonfiction. Nonfiction, whether it be
about facts, or ideas, or feelings, is limited and safe. If I write
about myself, I am limited by what I am; if I write about an event, I
am limited by its duration; if I write to inform, I am limited by
what I know. Fiction is an an endless expanse of nothing just
waiting for someone to take some of it and craft it into a limitless variety of details and
personalities and storylines. Perhaps fiction is simply a higher art
than nonfiction. When God created the world, He created, in a manner
of speaking, a work of fiction. That is not to say that it wasn't
(and isn't) real: it's as real as anything material can be. But
insofar as God created something where before there was nothing,
something detailed and linear and complete, with original characters
and plot and settings, He created a novel – a beautiful, terrible,
fantastical fairy tale. And all the tales that came after are simply
shadows of the one real story – the story that each and every one
of us, from Adam to the Apocalypse, is part of. And that is why
novel-writing is beyond me: it is too large and terrifying a task for
my puny talents. I shall stick to writing about
novels (among other things), for the present, and perhaps, in five years, or ten, or
thirty, I may find myself capable. Or perhaps not, and that's all
right too. Novels are not the only form of beauty we humans can
create. There are so many, and we must each simply find which one is
meant for us.
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All images via tumblr.
